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11/9 - 11/16  Criterion:  "Rewrite of Changes in the 21st century"
  Let's watch Mr. Walsh do a revision.
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Today's essay question:
The 21st century has begun. What changes do you think this new century will bring? Use examples and details in your answer.

Before:
(Score of 2)

Ancient people would not imagine the present time. I can not imagine the world of furture.

I think laser operation wii develop. It can many things : improve eyesight, desappear stain of face. Then the contact and glasses wii desappear.

Many people seem to fear laser operation. However my acquaintance had an operation of laser, and his eyesight got well again. He said that he had been anxiety , but it was safety. Although I still think it is concern, I want to have this operation someday.

We can not know what event happen in the future. So I am interested in the future.


After:
(score of 4)
  Things I did:
Added introductory material.
Made thesis match body. (Student should have used 'loop writing')
Added one more example in the body.
Made the conclusion match the thesis and body.
Fixed small errors in the body.

  Who could have imagined airplanes or computers in the 1800s? Do you think anybody could have predicted that Oil would be so important 2 or 3 hundred years ago? Ancient people could not imagine the present time. Therefore, I donft think I can imagine the world of the future but I think there will be many convenient things.

  One thing I can imagine is that laser operation will be developed. It can do many things like get rid of stains on the face or improve eyesight. If this happens contact lenses and glasses will disappear.

  Many people seem to fear laser operation. However an acquaintance of mine had a laser operation, and his eyesight got well again. He said that he was nervous but it was safe. Although I still am concerned, I want to have this operation someday.

 Another thing I think will be developed is stem cell research. By using stem cells, we can grow new organs within a person, and by doing this defeat cancer and other diseases that damage them.

We can not know what events will happen in the future. However, I am interested in the future and I hope medicine will advance in wonderful ways  we cannot imagine.